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Every day, it seems there's another announcement about a drug that failed its testing, providing no benefits to thousands of patients. The scientists in charge console themselves with the rationale that they have eliminated one approach to curing life-threatening zits and can now go on to others. Similarly, Thomas Edison, while overcoming problems on the way to developing a working light bulb, supposedly told a critic that he, Edison, had not failed -- just discovered 10,000 ways not to make a light bulb.

All of this opens up a wonderful path for a person to walk to boast about his or her own successful failures.

Personally, let me first pat myself on the back for discovering 53 ways to not make a fortune in the stock market. I can't go into the details of my methods here because I consider them proprietary -- in fact, I have submitted a patent application on two of them -- but take my word for it, consistently following my failed plans will bring you many exciting years of undermining your financial future.

On a smaller scale, I am also proud of the method I invented for seriously scratching the case of a watch while attempting to change the battery myself rather than pay a few bucks to have it done by a jeweler. My method involves getting at the battery by prying the back off the watch using a clam knife I found at Point Pleasant. I thought this was fitting because the watch case, if you think about it, is a sort of clam. So call me a poet. Also, even though clam knives are relatively dull, in addition to scratching the case you can count on the need for a Band-Aid.

Once you get the back cover of the watch off and the battery replaced, there remains the problem of getting the cover to snap back onto the watchcase. This is sometimes tricky. My most unsuccessful technique for overcoming this difficulty requires that you squeeze the case back together in a vise. If you hear a click! you have succeeded in spite of my technique. But if you hear a crunch!...well, I did have to buy my wife a new watch after that one, but it was worth it in terms of the pride I took in developing such a clever method of ruining her watch.

Another rich opportunity for failure can be found in do-it-yourself plumbing repair. There is a natural law my brother discovered while doing plumbing work in his own house. The law states unequivocally that, ''If you fix it, it will leak.'' I did not believe this at first, but it seemed a good way to screw something up. Sure enough, not long afterwards, I had the pleasure of staring at water gushing from a pipe in the bathroom after I made a repair myself instead of calling a plumber. This particular failure required insufficient tightening of a critical connection, and I obliged by not making sure all the connections were, well, tight, before turning on the water supply. My wife was with me as we watched the water flow down the floor vent and through to the carpet downstairs before I could shut everything off. This was her favorite among my failed techniques, and she speaks of it fondly. And often.

There are numerous other breakthroughs I have made inventing ways to successfully muddle up tasks around the house. Among these is a method for acquiring low back pain by attempting to replace a light fixture while standing on a wobbly laundry appliance. Frankly, this episode taught me to fear electrical repairs altogether. To help me through them, I developed an electrical repair checklist to be used in case of a failure around the house:

1. Identify failed item -- lamp, light fixture, etc. 2. Stare at failed item for 10 seconds. 3. If a bulb is burned out, replace bulb. If bulb is in ceiling light, do not stand on laundry appliance. 4. Perform advanced engineering analysis of problem: (a) Is the device plugged in; (b) Is it turned on; (c) Has the breaker popped; (d) There is no (d). Repeat item 2, then call electrician.

I realize use of this simple electrical checklist prevents me from finding ways of reducing my house wiring to a trail of melted copper, so instead I will concentrate on making leaky plumbing repairs, breaking watches, buying high and selling low, and in a high- tech mode, developing effective ways to trash my computer. The work is going slowly, but hey, Edison had a workshop full of technicians helping him discover his 10,000 ways not to succeed, but I'm doing it all on my own. I think I deserve some credit for that.

Bernard Jacks is a freelance humor writer who lives in Marlboro. His columns have appeared in the New York Times, Smithsonian Magazine, and other publications.